Barcelona/2 - Street Photography
Chapter 2 and more personal shit…
I am enjoying a bit of solitude. Don’t get me wrong: I love my husband to death, and I’m lucky enough that we’re both each other’s best friends, have so much in common and to talk about and we’re never bored in each other’s presence. We usually talk about anything that comes up: he loves history and philosophy and he’s always telling me facts he reads online or in books, and that usually brings us to talk about that and religion and try and figure out what that particular event means for our life today. Instead I’m the one who tries to keep up with music, pop culture, and I always save funny/wholesome videos to show him (penguin’s pebbling over here apparently), and then we talk about humanity and people and friendships, or our upbringing and ourselves, and how not to get lost in misinformation or ignorance. Our tangents are epic 😂 (and on a side not - I would love to start a podcast with him… we might, ‘cause what’s one more podcast in the world amirite?)
But at times I get out there solo with my camera (also I try not to have the camera on me at all times if I’m with him, ‘cause quality time is my love language, and acts of service is his, so I don’t want him to feel abandoned and I tend to hyper focus on things and enter my own world), and I love the freedom that that gives me.
I only recently realised that I do enjoy making my own choices. WTF you say? at freaking 36? Yup! I had to get into my late thirties to learn this: I can be my own person. It took me 3 years of therapy to learn this. Slow, you might say. I can decide for myself and I have complete freedom? Of course I knew this before. but I didn’t know it know it ya know… doesn’t make sense, does it?
Backing up a bit: last year I learned a lot about myself. I realised that a lot of things in and from my past that were extremely toxic, they were pulling me down, and I let them go. For the first time in my life I started living: I decided I was tired to be in survival mode. I wanted more, and I finally understood that there were people in my life that didn’t actually care for me to be happy, but all they wanted was control, even from distance. I felt I had to ask for permission for doing things, and realised how much of my panic attacks were coming from having to have to deal with all of this. So much of this took an ENORMOUS chunk of my brain. And my energy.
My body was telling me something, but it took me YEARS to actually start listening.
So I cut the toxicity out of my life. I decided I had value, and if people want to stay in my life they’ll have to respect my needs and boundaries. This brought a lot of grief, but a big chunk of mental burden was lifted. I still suffer, I still long for that relationship I know I’ll never have, I still mourn the me I could have been without the trauma. And I think my photography is helping me heal. Trying to capture the life around me makes me focus on the Outside, on the Others, all the while giving me a space to express my feelings and look at things that make me smile, feel, give me happiness, sadness, indifference, anger, joy, excitement.
All of what happened in 2023 (true pivotal year for me), brought me to the decision to close my business. The moment I realised the real reasons why I choose to get into baking (won’t go into that here yet, but let me know if you’re interested), well that broke the spell for me. I was free. I now have the tiny and insignificant task of figuring out what is it that I REALLY want to do. Easy innit? 🙄🤦🏻♀️ but hey better now than never.
Where was I… oh yes walking alone in Barcelona. All of this to say, I now am more confident and comfortable to spend time with myself. I never had any real issues to take myself out for lunch and eat on my own, but now I’m really ok and happy to enjoy my own company. And that improved mine and my husband’s relationship by tenfold. Learning to be independent is what saved our marriage these past few years. I’m eternally grateful for it.
Some BnW of humans in Barcelona. Focusing on capturing others’ lives for a fraction of a second makes me feel less alone in the world.
All of these snaps have been taken in the span of 2 days, during my 20000+ daily steps. My feet weren’t happy 🙄 I was.
Humans in colour. I always go photo-by-photo before deciding what profile to give the shots.
If you’re still here, thank you for reading. I appreciate you, and I see you, truly. And if you’re on my photo walks path… I’ll probably snap you 😏😅
Love,